Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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