Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
