well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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