I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize