so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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