I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
