Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize