i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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