When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
