Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
