I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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