you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
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I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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