and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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