also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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