I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
