the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
