Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
