just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
