Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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