Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
