if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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