I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
