I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
