Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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