you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize