literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
