i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
