any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
