You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
