I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
