Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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