Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
