highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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