I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dating After Heartbreak
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex