Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.