it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
