I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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