My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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