he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I've blown a few things in my day
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.