Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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