oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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