I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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