How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
