Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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