he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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