She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
