this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
