You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
