Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
