I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
