shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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