Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
