last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
