zippers are such a cool invention
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
