would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
