So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
