Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
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I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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