guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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